Serpents and Scorpions
This past month, I’ve felt like a circus monkey, asked to juggle flaming torches while balancing on the back of an elephant that is crossing a mile-high tightrope. If I let one of the blazing batons go, our entire outfit may collapse. There’s a lot to do in the Himalayas. Kids to be homeschooled, Hindi to practice, floors to be swept, potatoes to be peeled, and surprise visitors to serve chai and biscuits to. Not to mention the laundry, disciplining, breastfeeding, and overstimulating events where my kids’ cheeks are tantalizing targets for pinching. Pressures ballooning into inflated dogs and hats, ready to pop at first squeeze. My counselor asked me last week what I was wanting right now and my answer was automatic, already formed on the tip of my tongue, “REST!” I may have spat the word.
Rest seems like the obvious gift to give mothers. No registry required. It is the best-seller for the weary. How simple it would be for the Lord to extend his hand to press down my eyelids for an entire, uninterrupted, night of sleep. That juicy thought has my mouth watering.
I have the verse memorized in Luke that says, “What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent, or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?” (Luke 11:11-12) If God is more fatherly than the best of earthly fathers, why do my prayers return with answers uncomfortably scorpion and snake-like? Instead of peace and quiet, my son turns insomniac for a season and there are peed-in bedsheets to change.
When the verse in Luke seems to play out with the words jumbled up- serpents for fish, scorpions for eggs, I resist the Lord’s gaze. If I meet his eye, he will certainly see mine swimming in tears, disappointment drenched. Even if I try to avoid eye-contact, he knows my every eye-roll and bitter sigh. There’s a popular worship song that says, “You’re never going to let me down”. It’s repeated like the circling of a carousel. When I’m miffed at what I am given after asking for the opposite in prayer, I go on strike, refusing to sing these painful lyrics. Although it’s not wrong (ultimately God will fulfill every one of his promises), I have felt let down by my Father more than once.
Last week was a hard week with trials and responsibilities of skyscraper-height. One afternoon I was washing dishes in an unusually quiet house. Reflecting on the sour events of the past few days, I realized I was still standing and not laid on my back as I would have been just months before. Although suffering, I was not undone. In situations where I would have normally taken out my anger at my husband and kids, I was more patient and slower to speak. When precious things hung dangled over cliff edges, I had turned to the Lord instead of another cup of coffee. My house looked like the clearance aisle of Walmart and smelled like it too, yet I wasn’t frantically organizing and fuming like a dragon.
Patience and kindness are not my natural bent. I was not born strong in spirit or given an easy-going disposition. As I washed dishes, feeling the energy and strength in my arms to do the tasks in front of me, I realized the Lord had been answering my prayers all along. Although saying no to the specific rest I longed for, he was giving me so much more. My normal melancholy was overturned by a joyful, thankful heart.
I was asking for rest, but was in the process of receiving endurance. I had asked for alleviation from pain, not the ability to endure.
Romans 5:3-5 says we ought to pray for just that, “…we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
7 Comments
Bob Meredith
It is good to read that you are turning to him. Disappointment is the name of the game in the Christian life for me. So, as I think of you all, I will pray that God shows up in the disappointments. That his steadfast love, which is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, will grow in your estimation. That every single second of lsuffering (Paul calls it light momentary affliction) that you endure will prepare for you a weight of glory beyond all comparison. Suffering here, more weighty glory there. We do not forget you. We pray or you. We poray that God gives you perseverance, that you stay the course, that you rest in Him as you wrestle with life.
micah.jess123
Thanks Bob! Appreciate those prayers. Love to your family!
Dee Carlson
I too have discovered that while I’ve prayed for one thing the Spirit has changed my words so that I get what I really need. It (unfortunately for me) takes a long while to recognize that the transformation is the real gift, and I cringe a bit at the fact that after 62 years I’m not getting much faster at seeing each gift. I love your writing and have only discovered it today, but I’ll be back and will share you with my daughter. Thank you for openly sharing your journey.
Christina Sekona
This was a beautiful musing. I found your blog through Desiring God and look forward to reading more! We have 9 kids and I love to find writers that understand what it is like when the kids seem more like wildcats than frisking colts. God bless you!
Christina
Lori
Parts of this sound so familiar, having just come from snow-capped regions. Thanks for sharing. It’s a joy to read.
Psalm 65
Sabiana Derenoncourt
Hallo. Found your blog from Desiring God (hard days are good days article). We have six kids too. It is hard. This was good.
Jenamarie
Your writing is gifted and i read it and want to connect immediately.
I too am a mother of 6. Our family is bilingual (American Sign Language & English) and having total access in communication towards one another is a constant challenge. I have also entered into caregiving for my beloved starting two years ago. We just found out our fifth born inherited the same disease his father suffers. We are not sure if we should allow the kids to decide if they want to get tested for Neurofibromatosis type 2, to see if they too have it or not. I get overwhelmed. Some days I feel weary. I feel defeated. I m tired of this life. I am growing more and more distant from the desires of this world and more towards my eternal home. This is a good thing I realize but hard to live in. To show up. And to do so with a joyful heart. I am grateful that I can still utter praise to the Lord and declare He is Good, although I admit I have moments where I curse him in my heart and I am convicted in need of forgiveness. To be still is the greatest desire and sometimes the greatest challenge. To have rest from all of this suffering. I know God is carrying us through and through and all the while working His holiness in our lives even as we are already made holy by his Son. In my caregiving study, the first chapter of 1 Peter affirms and encourages. May our faith be genuine. Thank you sister for your vulnerability and thank you Christ Jesus for Jessica’s genuine faith you have worked and are working now. Help us press on, Gracious Perfector of our Faith.